Friday, September 15, 2006

Tennis & Golf: Tiger and Roger - a beautiful, completely unscripted or unmanaged, spontaneous, natural friendship.

The world’s best golfer Tiger Woods has a new best friend – the world’s best tennis player Roger Federer. The pair met, completely by coincidence, while in a sandwich shop in downtown Manhattan. Woods had popped in for a latte and Federer for a BLT.

“I was just minding my own business waiting in line for a skinny latte when I noticed another guy sitting reading the paper at a corner table,” said Woods. “I thought he looked kinda familiar so when I got my latte I went over and introduced myself. He didn’t recognise me at first but he remembered my name and we just got to talking”.

Federer was due to play in the US Open final later that afternoon and had a couple of spare tickets that he was unable to shift so he suggested to Woods that he might like them. “I was like, sure, I’ve got nothing better to do this afternoon so why not?” said Woods.

American superstar Woods, who is represented by sinister sports agents IMG, said that he and Federer had an instant rapport; “It was like he was the brother I never had”. Federer, whose agent is omnipotent sports agency IMG, was equally enthused about their friendship; “I just felt like we could talk about anything. It is a special bond that we shared in that sandwich shop”.

Damien Ooze, vice president and deputy general manager of evil sports agent IMG, represents Woods and was delighted that his client had a new friend; “what’s really beautiful about this is that it was just a coincidental meeting and they just hit it off straight away”. Federer’s IMG representative, VP DGM Damien Ooze commented; “it was just a spontaneous meeting of minds between two high profile sportsmen”.

Woods, whose main sponsor is mega-sweatshop operator Nike, said that the pair intend to spend more time together; “we’re just gonna hang out, you know. Maybe go to the mall on the weekend or play some tennis or something”. The Swiss tennis maestro, who is sponsored by devil worshipping Nike, hoped that they could play a little golf together and “maybe go out for dinner or a beer”.

Mammon worshipping Nike spokesperson Sheri Slyme, who manages the Woods account, looked forward to capturing the new friendship on camera; “it will be great to watch them interact on camera. Wearing Nike gear”. The Federer account manager at satanic Nike, Sheri Slyme, thought that “the world would love to see Tiger and Roger together. Tiger could play some tennis and Roger some golf. It will be a magical home movie and I’m sure that Nike and IMG would love to share it with everyone through the medium of television. Perhaps during commercial breaks”.

In other news, idiot nobody Shaun Micheel has laid waste to the weekends of many by beating Tiger Woods in the first round of the HSBC World Match Play at snobby Wentworth. Micheel, who obviously didn’t realise that no-one was paying to watch him, thrashed Woods 4&3 and in doing so trashed the tournament. Tickets for the weekend have been returned en mass and the BBC has pulled the event from the schedules. Instead, BBC2 will now show the complete 23rd series of hilarious and ever popular comedy ‘Last of the Summer Wine’ featuring old favourites Compost, Musty and Sweat as they try to get into Nora Batty's knickers.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Golf: Ian Woosnam - more stupid than he looks?

Tubby Welsh dwarf Ian Woosnam has made a rocky start to his Ryder Cup captaincy and will need all of his legendary communication skills to navigate the upcoming event. In stark contrast to his US counterpart, Tom Lehman, little Woosie has masterfully chosen not to bother talking to any of his players before making his wildcard selections. The selection of Englishman Lee Westwood over the higher ranked Dane Thomas Bjorn has angered many, particularly Thomas Bjorn of Denmark.

Speaking from underneath his hedgerow eyebrow the fast balding Dane fumed; “Woosie hasn’t even bothered to talk to me. Everyone knows that he is a right thicky who doesn’t know his arse from his elbow and this just proves it. How can he pick Westwood over me? I almost won The Open a few years ago and would have done so if it hadn’t been for the intolerable pressure. As a young man growing up in Denmark it was always my dream to represent my continent, whether it be football, athletics or tennis. To miss out because of that taffy twat is gutting”.

Woosnam, 3 feet tall and 4 feet wide, is keen to put the controversy behind him and would only say; “how I am supposed to speak to Bjorn when he is from abroad? Obviously he speaks foreign so wouldn’t understand a word of English”.

Westwood, who has a touch of Downs about him, was understandably delighted by the selection; “I can’t believe Woosnam picked me. I mean, I’ve played like crap for two years now so getting selected is a miracle”.

Team USA, who have been dire for years now, have had a much smoother build up to the event. The team, made up of Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson and er, Chris, no wait, Jim….uh….er….10 other players, has benefited from the steady helmsmanship of skipper Tom Lehman.

Lehman, who looks a little like Dr Seuss’s Cat in the Hat, has been in regular contact with all of his players and dealt with the media beautifully. He has even sought the advice of fellow God botherer and former European captain Bernhard Langer. Langer, a humourless kraut, has given Lehman some broad advice on the complex role of the captain. Commented Lehman; “Bernard made me realise just what was involved in being captain. You have to give some speeches, do some interviews and pair the players up. The big thing though is driving around in a golf cart and speaking into a radio while saying things like ‘good shot’ and ‘well played’. I never realised that it was such a huge job”.

The big question for the Europeans though is whether or not Woosnam is up to the job. Former European player and long time commentator and jowl wobbler Peter Alliss summed up the doubts surrounding the sub-normal Woosnam; “I worry about poor little Ian. I don’t think he’ll measure up when it comes down to it as I doubt that he can even see over the steering wheel of those golf carts and there is no way he can drive and talk at the same time”.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Cricket: Flintoff leading candidate to drive team bus in Australia.

Folk hero Andrew Flintoff has been named captain of the England cricket team for the forthcoming Ashes tour to Australia. Flintoff, a well known beer monster who is popularly known as Fred, fought off slight competition from posh lad Andrew Strauss for the honour.

Chairman of selectors David Gravy said; “Freddy Flintoff was the outstanding candidate. I mean, the Aussies shit themselves when they see him and little Ricky Ponting (gambling addict, alchy and Aussie skipper) is going to look pretty tiny when he tosses up next to big Freddy. It’s all gravy baby”.

Many in the media have criticised the appointment however, feeling that Flintoff already bears too much of a burden as the teams best bowler, batsman and fielder. Times correspondent and radio bore Christopher Martin-Pompous felt that the extra responsibility of being captain would be too much for the all rounder; “the selectors have made a mistake. Flintoff is England’s key player and is being relied upon to carry the whole team already”. Martin-Pompous went to on draw a parallel with England making former man-child and big-head Ian Botham captain, a move that backfired spectacularly when Botham's form fell off a cliff.

Encouragingly, when some of the team’s key men were asked for their opinion on the appointment, all gave it a ringing endorsement. Star bowler Andrew Flintoff commented; “I think it’s brilliant. Freddy is such an intimidating presence as a pace bowler and the Aussie batsmen will still be having nightmares about his balls getting big on them”. Key middle order batsman Andrew Flintoff reckoned that the appointment was inspired; “I can’t think of a better captain. Fred is a powerful batsman and dominating presence on the field”. Top slip fielder Andrew Flintoff was of a similar opinion; “Flintoff is our best catcher by far, his hands are like a magnet for balls”. Team physio Andrew Flintoff can’t wait and thought that there was only one choice for captain; “it had to be Freddy. I mean, Straussy is alright but a bit wet really. No, Flintoff is the man for me”. No argument either from long serving kit man Andrew Flintoff; “Andrew Flintoff is bloody brilliant and the best choice as captain”.

The Australian team greeted the news with no great surprise. Aging fast bowler and tedious bore Glenn McGrath said; “who else have they got? I mean, that South African cunt Pietersen is too stupid to be captain and I can’t remember any of their other players”. Ominously, the 48 year old McGrath then went on to make a prediction for the eagerly anticipated series; “we’ll win the 5 match series 10-0. England are horse shit”. Last time out McGrath went for a 3-0 score line to Australia and almost got it right as the Aussies lost 2-1.

When told of the appointment jug eared keeper and Flintoff bunny Adam Gilchrist said he was looking forward to being back in the big Lancastrian’s pocket; “Freddy has huge pockets and Ricky and I enjoyed being in there last time out. In fact, Flintoff can fit quite a few Australians in his pocket”.

The Aussies, still reeling from the death of crocodile hunter and leg spinner Shane Warne, are rated favourites to win the series. However, David Gravy is confident that under Flintoff’s captaincy, with Andrew Flintoff's bowling, Andrew Flintoff’s batting and Andrew Flintoff’s fielding, England can retain the Ashes. His only concern remains who to select to drive the team bus in the land down under; “we haven’t made that appointment yet but it is very much on the selector’s minds. The outstanding candidate would appear to be Andrew Flintoff”.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

American Football: Spandex+ad breaks+steriods+gayness=NFL. It's back.

The NFL, arguably the gayest sport of all, gets it season underway once again as muscle-bound steroid abusers in lurid coloured spandex are back for five months of intense sausage-jockey action.

Fans around the world (USA) are crazy with anticipation at the prospect of interminable TV related ad-breaks and relentless Queen tracks blasting out across stadia worldwide (USA). At the end of it all the ultimate prize in sports awaits; to be crowned world champion (USA) and clinch the really super Superbowl.

Brad Murkle, a rabid Philadelphia Eagles fan can’t wait; “I just love watching big guys go at each other. All those muscles, all that testosterone and all packaged in a sweet-ass pair of tight fitting pants. Sport doesn’t get much better than this.” Across the world (USA) feelings are similar. In Dallas, long time Cowboy fan Billy Joe Bob Hick is itching to see some big shiny Cowboy helmets; “All summer long I been a playin ma banjo an a dreamin of Cowboys. Bring it on. We gonna shock the world (USA)”.

It’s not just the fans who are moist with anticipation though; the players are itching to get into one another as well. Said New York Giants tombstone toothed defensive star Michael Strahan, “I’ve really missed the locker room camaraderie over the off season and I can’t wait to get back into it with my team mates. Showers, massages, rub downs, we are so psyched for it that the coaches have literally had to pull some of us apart. I’ve been teaching Osi (fellow halfwit Osi Umenyiora) how to get really good penetration into the quarterback and we’ve both given Eli (overpaid shirt-lifter Eli Manning) a good pounding in practice. The boy can hardly walk now so Coach Coughlin had to pull us off. It felt great to be back in his hands”.

While most are excited at the start of a new season there remain some spoilsports still moaning about the inappropriate name of the team based at the nation’s capital, the Washington Redskins. Fat, 43 year old virgin Thelma Droop speaks for many when she says that the name is “offensive and racist to injuns”. Kimberly Sags, 38 and also with nothing better to do and no-one to love her, agrees; “the term redskin is offensive to native Americans everywhere. There is no greater evil in the world right now than this blatant racism. And it’s not just the redskins that the NFL offends. People who are vikings, fudge-packers, giants, cowboys, brown, chiefs, patriots, titans, saints and buccaneers are all being laughed at by the NFL and made a mockery off by fans across the world (USA)”.

A spokesman for flamboyant Redskin owner Daniel Snyder responded; “they can go fuck themselves”.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Golf: Micelle Wie - wie wie wie all the way home.

Having already conquered the ladies PGA tour lanky teen sensation Michelle Wie has turned her attention to the men's game with spectacular results. Arses have been kicked and names taken by Wie, aged 13 and a half, who came in with the highest score of all 152 players after two rounds at the European Masters in Crans Montana, Switzerland. Said Wie, "it's like, fucking amazing, not one fucking man has like, come close to getting as many points as like, me. The fucking par score is like, 71 and I managed to get 8 fucking more than that today and like, 7 fucking more than that yesterday. These men are like, shit, man".

Wie, 7 feet 3 inches tall, put her success down to her inspirational father, BJ. "It's true that he has like, fucking stupid initials but he still chooses to be like, known by them. That takes like, real fucking courage. Mother fucking courage. I mean, most of my friends think that the name BJ Wie sucks but like, he doesn't fucking care. It's just so fucking inspiring. Like".

Many in the ladies game have criticised the gawky prodigy for playing against the men. Long standing LPGA player Betty Fatso's reponse is typical of many; "the jumped up little tart hasn't even won a tournament on the LPGA tour so what makes her think that she can play with men? Most of the ladies on this tour have no interest in playing with men at all. We would all much rather play with each other. And anyway, I don't think that any of the men would ever want to play with any of us." Hard to argue with that, Ms Fatso.

Young Wie, who has fired 6 caddies since 2004, is unrepentant however. Responding to Ms Fatso's comments she said, "she can go like, fuck herself. Fat fucking cow". When asked whether Wie could ever win a men's event, homo Spaniard Sergio Garcia thought not, "she couldn't beat my arse" said the Iberian fudge-nudger while kicking back with a gin fizz at the gaybar.

The pre-pubescent Hawaiian has played in 10 men's events now and missed the cut at 9 of them. Even monster she-beast Laura Davies failed with the men so perhaps fans would prefer to watch the shapely Wie playing with ladies? Maybe so but Michelle isn't giving up. "No fucking way. I'm going to be getting bigger scores than these men for years to come".

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Tennis: Andy Murray - would you want his clammy hands on your daughter?

Rat-faced streak of piss Andy Murray collapsed in a big British heap of failure in the fourth round at the US Open. After flirting with success for some months and threatening to break with a proud tradition of losers, Murray finally found himself and got royally humped 6-0 in the rain-delayed, deciding set by some dull-arsed Russian drone.

The whey-faced whiner looks a good bet to fill the average sized trainers of Tiger Timmy Henman as Britain's latest nearly-man. Indeed, Tiger Timmy himself gave Moaning Murray a ringing endorsement, saying 'Murray really looked crap under pressure out there and I'm sure that he can flop out of loads of tournaments in future. I'll call it now and say that he could even be the face of Aerial Washing Powder'.

Canadian opportunist Gary Rusedski sounded a note of caution however, saying 'Murray has won a lot of games in the past year and if he isn't careful he could ruin my good work by making British people interested in tennis for more than two weeks a year'. Rusedski, who God willing will retire soon and take up breaking in teeth for horses full time and take his horrific wannabe wife with him, also banged on about something else but no-one really cared what.

In British streets the loss was greeted with an outbreak of indifference. Having enjoyed years of mind-numbing interviews and crushed hopes with Tiger Timmy and Graham Rusedski most Brits have found that Miserable Murray has seemlessly fitted into the national subconscience without so much as a scratched bollock. Summing up the mood was office clock-watcher Barry Dickson, who said 'Tennis? Who gives a shit, the football season has started. Isn't Murray a Sweaty anyway?'.

In other tennis news musclebound beefcake Serena Williams lost to bulldyke beefcake Amelie Machismo and Rafael Nadal lost to Mikhail Whoseknee. And finally at the US Open, oh, really, who cares?