Cricket: England get within 77 runs of giving the Aussies a walloping. Take that you Aussie drongo!
The England cricket team is celebrating its finest result of the winter, raising hopes of an improved performance in the upcoming VD one day series. Having arrived in Australia confident of defending the Ashes that they famously won in 2005, England have been seriously twatted by their hosts in the test series, losing every game by a massive margin.
Hopes were raised that England might turn things around in the Twenty:20 game as the Aussies, seemingly taking the piss, picked some unknowns from the crowd to spearhead their bowling attack while resting all of the first choice bowlers. Gone were Bollywood singer/songwriter Brett Lee, trundling legend Glenn McGrath and his clone Stuart Clark and up stepped Sydney dock worker Ben Hilfenthing, Tasmanian pest controller Cameron White and unemployed bum scratcher Nathan Bracken.
The Aussies, who are still mourning the death of crocodile hunter and pervert Shane Warne, almost saw this bold selection blow up in their repugnant faces as England got within a mere 77 runs of victory, by far the closest that they have come to winning on tour.
“It was a magnificent effort from the boys,” smiled ginger fielder Paul Collingwood MBE. “We could taste victory and really felt that we were competitive again out there. This is a warning to those Australian bastards that we are coming back into form at just the right time with the all important VD series coming up”.
Racist coach Duncan Fletcher MBE was ecstatic at the improvement from his team and even raised an eyebrow in classic Roger Moore style, such was his wobbly jowled delight. “I was happy to see the team play so well and get so close to winning. I thought that the selection was spot on and preparation was perfect and that was reflected out there on the field. This is by far the closest that we have come to winning to date and we will get even closer before this series is over”.
Aussie skipper and irritating turd Ricky Ponting AA was pleased to see his side beat England yet again and showed typical Australian grace and humility in victory; “Jeez those blokes are shit but. Even fucking Cameron White took a wicket. Cameron Fucking White!”
Australia, a country completely lacking in any subtlety or refinement, has been disappointed at the spineless showings of the feeble England team. This is the first game that has not finished early and the Aussie selectors may have to consider further changes in policy to ensure a competitive VD series. “Mate, by picking some club players to bowl we have gone some way to bridging the gap between the two sides and ensuring a more competitive series but,” said chairman of selectors John Howard. “We are considering picking some schoolboys or maybe even a couple of sheilas to open the batting. That way, we’ll still win but at least England will go the distance.”
With crippled skipper Michael Vaughan MBE once again taking the reigns and Steve Harmison MBE putting in his best performance yet from his nan’s house, England are hoping that this narrow loss will signal a turn in fortune after one of the worst tours in living memory. Said Vaughany MBE, “I was delighted with the lads. Encouragingly, Jimmy Anderson bettered his test form and actually went for less runs and Jon Lewis really added a spark to the fielding. With young Paul Nixon giving a master class in the sweep and reverse sweep, I can confidently say that we can get even closer to winning over the upcoming weeks. And, God willing, Ashley will be back to oil the stumps soon. God I miss him”.
Hopes were raised that England might turn things around in the Twenty:20 game as the Aussies, seemingly taking the piss, picked some unknowns from the crowd to spearhead their bowling attack while resting all of the first choice bowlers. Gone were Bollywood singer/songwriter Brett Lee, trundling legend Glenn McGrath and his clone Stuart Clark and up stepped Sydney dock worker Ben Hilfenthing, Tasmanian pest controller Cameron White and unemployed bum scratcher Nathan Bracken.
The Aussies, who are still mourning the death of crocodile hunter and pervert Shane Warne, almost saw this bold selection blow up in their repugnant faces as England got within a mere 77 runs of victory, by far the closest that they have come to winning on tour.
“It was a magnificent effort from the boys,” smiled ginger fielder Paul Collingwood MBE. “We could taste victory and really felt that we were competitive again out there. This is a warning to those Australian bastards that we are coming back into form at just the right time with the all important VD series coming up”.
Racist coach Duncan Fletcher MBE was ecstatic at the improvement from his team and even raised an eyebrow in classic Roger Moore style, such was his wobbly jowled delight. “I was happy to see the team play so well and get so close to winning. I thought that the selection was spot on and preparation was perfect and that was reflected out there on the field. This is by far the closest that we have come to winning to date and we will get even closer before this series is over”.
Aussie skipper and irritating turd Ricky Ponting AA was pleased to see his side beat England yet again and showed typical Australian grace and humility in victory; “Jeez those blokes are shit but. Even fucking Cameron White took a wicket. Cameron Fucking White!”
Australia, a country completely lacking in any subtlety or refinement, has been disappointed at the spineless showings of the feeble England team. This is the first game that has not finished early and the Aussie selectors may have to consider further changes in policy to ensure a competitive VD series. “Mate, by picking some club players to bowl we have gone some way to bridging the gap between the two sides and ensuring a more competitive series but,” said chairman of selectors John Howard. “We are considering picking some schoolboys or maybe even a couple of sheilas to open the batting. That way, we’ll still win but at least England will go the distance.”
With crippled skipper Michael Vaughan MBE once again taking the reigns and Steve Harmison MBE putting in his best performance yet from his nan’s house, England are hoping that this narrow loss will signal a turn in fortune after one of the worst tours in living memory. Said Vaughany MBE, “I was delighted with the lads. Encouragingly, Jimmy Anderson bettered his test form and actually went for less runs and Jon Lewis really added a spark to the fielding. With young Paul Nixon giving a master class in the sweep and reverse sweep, I can confidently say that we can get even closer to winning over the upcoming weeks. And, God willing, Ashley will be back to oil the stumps soon. God I miss him”.
posted by sportbitch at 12:25 pm
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