Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Cricket: The real England team is back.

For two years this England team defied a national history of humiliation and tradition of misery that stretches back over a hundred years. The rot set in with the Ashes success of 2005 when England played unexpectedly well and had fans confused and uncertain how to behave in the face of success. More used to a diet of pitiful bowling and desperate batting England fans had perfected the art of looking on the bright side of life and laughing in the face of adversity; the success was a shock and left most fans feeling a little let down.

With today’s effort though, England are back and the fans can relax once more into ironic cheering and resigned shoulder shrugging. Yorkshire tightwad and former England opening bore Geoff Boycott summed up the England effort in his usual succinct style' "Fookin shite".

The England batsmen, defying their recent run of form, contrived to get themselves out in a variety of ways that will have traditionalists purring with delight. Jack Dobson of Melton Mowbray commented “watching that young gingernut Bell run himself out reminded me of how it used to be in the 90’s and Jones’s ugly swipe showed the sort of determination and commitment to irresponsible batting that was the very hallmark of the England team of the last 20 years. It really brought back memories and a tear to the eye. We’re back.”

Wicketkeeper Jones, who struggles to catch beach balls in practice, was one of a number of controversial selections made by miserable, hang dog coach, Duncan ‘Fletch’ Fletcher. Feltcher, a white southern African more used to having coloured fella’s serving him drinks, dropped darkies Saj Mahmood and fan favourite Monty Panesar in favour of unfit bowler James Anderson and the unfit for cricket Ashley Giles. Anderson managed a commendable double of one wicket and one run in the match and Giles, popularly known by fans as ‘the Wheelie Bin’ for his complete lack of any ability, managed to spill the Aussie captain, Ricky Ponting in what was possibly the key moment of the match.

Feltcher however, was unrepentant; “It was a difficult chance and 11 times out of 10 you would have expected Ash to catch that one. Anyway, no fucking way that useless twat Monty could have caught it, so there”.

Giles, who last turned a ball when he got one caught in his boxers while sleeping at a funny spoons angle at Vaughanies place, resorted to bowling two feet outside of leg stump at the tailenders. The Aussie top order played him with ease, even that shirt-lifter Michael Clarke.

The desperate nature of the England defeat would seem to signal a return to the more traditional English sporting virtues of terrible play and feeble mindedness. This follows the trend of the England rugby team which also broke from the norm by winning the Rugby World Cup in 2003 but has since reverted to a steady stream of uninspired losses. In contrast, the football team has never deviated from this path and fans have always appreciated this consistency of performance. The hope is that the cricket team can now maintain this level for the remaining three test matches, thus making everything right in the world of English sport again.

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