Cricket: Flintoff leading candidate to drive team bus in Australia.
Folk hero Andrew Flintoff has been named captain of the England cricket team for the forthcoming Ashes tour to Australia. Flintoff, a well known beer monster who is popularly known as Fred, fought off slight competition from posh lad Andrew Strauss for the honour.
Chairman of selectors David Gravy said; “Freddy Flintoff was the outstanding candidate. I mean, the Aussies shit themselves when they see him and little Ricky Ponting (gambling addict, alchy and Aussie skipper) is going to look pretty tiny when he tosses up next to big Freddy. It’s all gravy baby”.
Many in the media have criticised the appointment however, feeling that Flintoff already bears too much of a burden as the teams best bowler, batsman and fielder. Times correspondent and radio bore Christopher Martin-Pompous felt that the extra responsibility of being captain would be too much for the all rounder; “the selectors have made a mistake. Flintoff is England’s key player and is being relied upon to carry the whole team already”. Martin-Pompous went to on draw a parallel with England making former man-child and big-head Ian Botham captain, a move that backfired spectacularly when Botham's form fell off a cliff.
Encouragingly, when some of the team’s key men were asked for their opinion on the appointment, all gave it a ringing endorsement. Star bowler Andrew Flintoff commented; “I think it’s brilliant. Freddy is such an intimidating presence as a pace bowler and the Aussie batsmen will still be having nightmares about his balls getting big on them”. Key middle order batsman Andrew Flintoff reckoned that the appointment was inspired; “I can’t think of a better captain. Fred is a powerful batsman and dominating presence on the field”. Top slip fielder Andrew Flintoff was of a similar opinion; “Flintoff is our best catcher by far, his hands are like a magnet for balls”. Team physio Andrew Flintoff can’t wait and thought that there was only one choice for captain; “it had to be Freddy. I mean, Straussy is alright but a bit wet really. No, Flintoff is the man for me”. No argument either from long serving kit man Andrew Flintoff; “Andrew Flintoff is bloody brilliant and the best choice as captain”.
The Australian team greeted the news with no great surprise. Aging fast bowler and tedious bore Glenn McGrath said; “who else have they got? I mean, that South African cunt Pietersen is too stupid to be captain and I can’t remember any of their other players”. Ominously, the 48 year old McGrath then went on to make a prediction for the eagerly anticipated series; “we’ll win the 5 match series 10-0. England are horse shit”. Last time out McGrath went for a 3-0 score line to Australia and almost got it right as the Aussies lost 2-1.
When told of the appointment jug eared keeper and Flintoff bunny Adam Gilchrist said he was looking forward to being back in the big Lancastrian’s pocket; “Freddy has huge pockets and Ricky and I enjoyed being in there last time out. In fact, Flintoff can fit quite a few Australians in his pocket”.
The Aussies, still reeling from the death of crocodile hunter and leg spinner Shane Warne, are rated favourites to win the series. However, David Gravy is confident that under Flintoff’s captaincy, with Andrew Flintoff's bowling, Andrew Flintoff’s batting and Andrew Flintoff’s fielding, England can retain the Ashes. His only concern remains who to select to drive the team bus in the land down under; “we haven’t made that appointment yet but it is very much on the selector’s minds. The outstanding candidate would appear to be Andrew Flintoff”.
Chairman of selectors David Gravy said; “Freddy Flintoff was the outstanding candidate. I mean, the Aussies shit themselves when they see him and little Ricky Ponting (gambling addict, alchy and Aussie skipper) is going to look pretty tiny when he tosses up next to big Freddy. It’s all gravy baby”.
Many in the media have criticised the appointment however, feeling that Flintoff already bears too much of a burden as the teams best bowler, batsman and fielder. Times correspondent and radio bore Christopher Martin-Pompous felt that the extra responsibility of being captain would be too much for the all rounder; “the selectors have made a mistake. Flintoff is England’s key player and is being relied upon to carry the whole team already”. Martin-Pompous went to on draw a parallel with England making former man-child and big-head Ian Botham captain, a move that backfired spectacularly when Botham's form fell off a cliff.
Encouragingly, when some of the team’s key men were asked for their opinion on the appointment, all gave it a ringing endorsement. Star bowler Andrew Flintoff commented; “I think it’s brilliant. Freddy is such an intimidating presence as a pace bowler and the Aussie batsmen will still be having nightmares about his balls getting big on them”. Key middle order batsman Andrew Flintoff reckoned that the appointment was inspired; “I can’t think of a better captain. Fred is a powerful batsman and dominating presence on the field”. Top slip fielder Andrew Flintoff was of a similar opinion; “Flintoff is our best catcher by far, his hands are like a magnet for balls”. Team physio Andrew Flintoff can’t wait and thought that there was only one choice for captain; “it had to be Freddy. I mean, Straussy is alright but a bit wet really. No, Flintoff is the man for me”. No argument either from long serving kit man Andrew Flintoff; “Andrew Flintoff is bloody brilliant and the best choice as captain”.
The Australian team greeted the news with no great surprise. Aging fast bowler and tedious bore Glenn McGrath said; “who else have they got? I mean, that South African cunt Pietersen is too stupid to be captain and I can’t remember any of their other players”. Ominously, the 48 year old McGrath then went on to make a prediction for the eagerly anticipated series; “we’ll win the 5 match series 10-0. England are horse shit”. Last time out McGrath went for a 3-0 score line to Australia and almost got it right as the Aussies lost 2-1.
When told of the appointment jug eared keeper and Flintoff bunny Adam Gilchrist said he was looking forward to being back in the big Lancastrian’s pocket; “Freddy has huge pockets and Ricky and I enjoyed being in there last time out. In fact, Flintoff can fit quite a few Australians in his pocket”.
The Aussies, still reeling from the death of crocodile hunter and leg spinner Shane Warne, are rated favourites to win the series. However, David Gravy is confident that under Flintoff’s captaincy, with Andrew Flintoff's bowling, Andrew Flintoff’s batting and Andrew Flintoff’s fielding, England can retain the Ashes. His only concern remains who to select to drive the team bus in the land down under; “we haven’t made that appointment yet but it is very much on the selector’s minds. The outstanding candidate would appear to be Andrew Flintoff”.
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