Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Cricket: Obesity no obstacle to playing top level cricket.

Bloated Bermudan bowler Dwayne Leverock gave an insipid England team food for thought after dismissing top batsmen Paul Collingwood MBE and Kevin Pietersen MBE with his deadly twirlers during a world cup warm up. The 546 pound pig (who coincidentally is also a pig by profession, working for Bermuda National Police) gobbled up the English stars (although Pietersen is technically a dirty racist South African as he was born and brought up there) and put England under unexpected pressure before the more experienced side overwhelmed the clownish Bermudans, bowling them out for a song.

Oft-injured England skipper Michael Vaughan MBE chose to concentrate on the positives, “we murdered them and Barbados are not as shit as everyone says and our bowlers got some overs under their belts”. However, no one got more under his belt than the 48 year Leverock who eschewed the traditional fat man option of tucking either under or over the belt and instead put half of his monstrous flabby belly under his belt and half over. Said Dwayne, “I use a special reinforced belt with titanium inserts that allows me to go for what I call the Leverock Over/Under Double Tuck, its mega”.

A number of other top cricketers are said to be interested in the Leverock technique with Pakistan chubber Inzamam-ul-Haq and England lardo Bobby Key reportedly having already contacted the obese Bermudan copper. Disgraced drug taking aussie pervert Shane Warne has already been using the belt to some effect in his TV adverts for a slap head prevention product.

Anticipation for the upcoming world cup in the Caribbean is reaching mild levels of interest in several parts of the world with at least four teams thought to be in with a chance of reaching the semi final stages. Some critics have suggested that the inclusion of a number of chronically shit teams like Scotland, Bermuda, Esher 2nd XI and England has weakened the tournament and will result in a large number of pointless mismatches. Ian Botham, who can’t let go of his childhood and is now a tolerated pundit for ruthless TV empire Sky, counters that such a view is rubbish, “that’s rubbish” said Botham. Misery guts and fellow pundit Bob Willis, who has caused 11 viewers to commit suicide (8 successfully) with his dull, monotonous and depressing commentary agreed, “I agree” said Willis.

England coach and hardy racist Duncan Fletcher defended the inclusion of the joke Bermudan’s and their heffalump bowler Leverock when questioned on the subject by drunken members of the press corp living it up in the WIndies. “Cricket is a sport for pure athletes. It’s the most demanding sport in the world and this world cup is the very pinnacle of the sport. Leverock’s tummy is just relaxed muscle. If you aren’t in peak condition there is no way you can play cricket at the top level for a premier team like Bahrain. Leverock also works for the BNP and I am a massive supporter of that organisation.”

Monday, February 05, 2007

Rugby Union: Jonny beats miserable Scotland and discovers cure for cancer at half time.

A nation held its breath. A people prayed. A coach hoped. And little Jonny delivered. Having spent the last 10 years in a coma, Jonny Wilkinson climbed out of his deathbed and onto the rugby field to win the game for England, lifting them out of a 34 game slump. Judging by the reaction of the English press you would have been forgiven for thinking that he had discovered a cure for cancer at half time. Well, it turns out that he did that as well.

Of course, alongside his achievements on the field this discovery pales into insignificance, but it still caps a remarkable return to action for little Jonny. The barbour-clad, posh twat England fans were still toasting Wilkinson over their sherry long into the night after witnessing his magnificent performance in thrashing a truly dreadful Scotland team all on his own. Most England fans barely noticed anyone else on the field. Brayed Twickenham debenture holder Roger De Rothschild Smythe from his Cotswold country house,”‘Jonny was bloody marvellous I tell you! Those jocks didn’t stand a bloody chance. He was scrumming them off the field of play and was simply bloody super. Marvellous day. Marvellous bloody day.”

Jonny discovered the cure for cancer during coach Brian Ashton’s half time talk while sucking on a much needed orange quarter (Jonny prefers easy peeler clementines). “I’d been thinking about how to cure cancer for some time and it just came to me at half time. I quickly wrote it down before getting back onto the field,” said Jonny. Some have suggested that this discovery could lead to a Nobel prize but the famously modest and incredibly boring Wilkinson would only say, “if selected for the Nobel prize it would be nice but I’m just going to focus on one accolade at a time.”

The English press had been full of Jonny before the game and he was front page news after winning against the Jocks. The Sunday Times gave Wilkinson’s victory it’s first 15 pages and chief rugby correspondent and serious hyperbole spouting dullard Stephen Jones wrote, “Wilkinson was simply beyond brilliant magnificence. It was the greatest single performance by anyone, anywhere in anything. Never has there been a human being like him. If I could lick the sweat from his crevice, I would.”

His cure for cancer got a small mention on page 14 but some in the science community have suggested that it might be even more important than England winning. Indeed, government ministers are said to be considering asking Wilkinson to run the country when Prime Minister Tony Blair finally gives up the ghost and goes to rot in prison. It is rumoured that the government might offer Wilkinson a knighthood in return. England football coach and unexpected adulterer Steve McClaren is also said to be interested in playing Jonny in the centre of midfield while racist cricket supremo Duncan Feltcher is hoping to persuade Jonny to captain the cricket team in the upcoming world cup.

The reaction in third world Scotland was typically magnanimous from a country well known for small minded bigotry and best summed up by the front page headline in the Glasgow Jock Strap above a picture of the celebrating England team – “English Cunts.”

Monday, January 29, 2007

NFL: God supports the Colts, hates the Patriots.

After one of the greatest comebacks in sports history (USA only) the Indianapolis Colts beat arch rival and perennial winner New England Patriots 38-34 in the AFC Championship game to clinch a berth in the really Super Bowl. At one point they were 18 points behind and looked to be getting a serious humping. They took the lead for the first time with less than a minute on the clock, having spent the previous six hours of the game losing and/or standing around waiting for TV ad breaks to finish.

And the key to their success? Good old God. Said Head Coach Tony Dungy, “We just have to thank the Lord. He did it in such a way that no one would believe it”. The Big Guy, it seems, is a Colts fan. Or at least he hates the Patriots. Viewing figures for the NFL continue to rise so it’s no wonder that God watches games but many are surprised to find that He supports the team from Indianapolis. Jerry Jones, owner of ‘America’s Team’, the Dallas Cowboys, was shocked, “I had always figured that He would be a fan of America’s Team. I mean, we are in Texas, His country, and we do have the hottest cheerleaders in the world (USA) and you’ve gotta know that God likes a piece of ass. Although His not being a fan would explain Romo’s fumble costing us the game against Seattle – it was His fault, the bastard!”

One reason given by some analysts for God being a Colt fan is that owner Jim Irsay really kisses His Ass, “There’s a lot of glory up here with this trophy (AFC Championship). As the humble leader of this organization, we’re giving all the glory to God”. And according to Dungy God really is a bit of a glory hunter, “The Lord tested us a lot this year, but He set this up to get all the glory.”

Bill Belichick, Head Coach of the Patriots, was understandably irritated by the biblical turn of events. “God wasn’t on their team sheet so it annoys the hell out of me that he should suit up and play. I mean, we were dicking all over them until he decides to play.”

A number of religious organisations feel that God doesn’t even care about football, let alone have a favourite team. Pastor Edward Gannet of Eastbuttfucky, Ohio, stated that “to suggest that God watches football games is plainly ridiculous. You only have to listen to any speech from the President to know that God is working overtime helping Bush so He is hardly going to have time to worry about sport”.

Many ordinary, fat-assed Americans have also disagreed that God is a Colts fan. A typical reaction was that of 29 year old Corey Bill Hilly who, while digesting a kilo of chocolate mumbled, “Gawd don’t give no fuck bout football. That just stoopid talkin. He too busy kickin Iraqi ass in Afghanistania”.

Even so, other NFL teams will have taken note of the Colts success and will be hoping to persuade God to switch allegiance in the off season. The only exception to that rule is well known Devil worshipper and owner of the Washington Redskins, Dan Snyder. “I’m sticking with Satan,” said the reptilian Snyder. He’s made me millions and now he’s going to win me a Super Bowl. And if he doesn’t fucking well deliver soon I’m demanding my soul back”.

God was unavailable for comment.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Darts: The Dream at Frimley Green.

Combine the greatest game in the world (darts) with the greatest arena in the world* (Lakeside, Frimley Green) and the greatest competition in the world** (the British Darts Organisation World Championship) and add in the two greatest athletes in the world*** (Martin ‘Wolfie’ Adams verus Phil ‘Nixie’ Nixon) and the result is the greatest sporting contest ever. In the history of the world. Ever****.

Wolfie Adams, looking like a pale Cassius Clay in his prime, raced out to a 6-0 lead and appeared set to confirm his number one seeding with a comprehensive victory. "I was kicking his arse," said Wolfie. But he didn’t count on the incredible strength of mind and body shown by rank outsider Nixie Nixon. Throwing caution to the wind and, at last, darts to the board, 58 year old Nixie, with the menacing prowl of a rampant Mike Tyson and the clear thinking of a young Aristotle, rocketed back into the match.

Suddenly winning like it was going out of fashion, Nixie found himself back on level terms at 6-6. "Having got my arse kicked for 6 games I started kicking his arse," said Nixie. Wolfie, 56 years young and sporting a magnificent collection of sovereign rings, looked stricken. His arm, hitherto as strong as tempered steel, began to wobble like a footballer’s bottom lip. Under the most intense pressure ever faced by any one individual since a young Jesus H. Christ found himself in the possession of a coat of many colours, Wolfie looked down and out. But, just as Christ rose to the occasion and wore the technicolour dreamcoat against all style logic, Wolfie reared up like a lithe salmon swimming upstream, dodging outstretched bear paws.

Mrs Wolfie, the delightful, leopard skin clad Sharon, could watch no longer and ran to the ladies cloakroom in distress; "I couldn’t take it no more," she said. "That fat noddy husband of mine was throwing it away and I couldn’t watch so I went and hid in the shitter." But Wolfie, his astounding conditioning coming to the fore, drove onward. Unbending. Unbowed. This was athleticism. This was valour.

Coming only a few days after the untimely withdrawal of former champion and national superstar Andy ‘The Viking’ Fordham, who unexpectedly collapsed after a routine training session of 43 pints and 10 burgers, this final was just the tonic the nation needed. Fordham, after emergency hair of the dog and sweat absorption treatment, is expected to recover in due course. Indeed, sources close to the 83 stone superstar suggest that he is already building up to 20 pints a morning. However, national concern for The Viking turned to unbelievable tension across the country with hundreds tuning in as news spread of Nixie’s great comeback from Valhalla itself.

The atmosphere at Lakeside was electric as a host of celebrities and beautiful people chewed their nails, watched from behind their hands and knocked back 15 pints per person on average. Salt and vinegar crisps were sold out within minutes of the first dart being lobbed and you could literally have cut the atmosphere with a knife after most had digested their food. It was like a Beatles concert with a special guest appearance from Elvis thrown in. Screaming women moistened at the sight of these darting gods and drunken men began to question their sexuality in the face of such unvarnished testosterone.

Against all odds and logic, showing more courage than any winner of the Victoria Cross, Wolfie took the decider and the championship. 7-6. He had done it. A dream fulfilled. For Nixie the pain of defeat but surely there will come a time when he will look back and feel nothing but pride at being part of history.

The Rumble in The Jungle, The Thriller in Manilla and now the Dream at Frimley Green. Wolfie a Titan, Nixie a Colossus. Zeus and Apollo. Hannibal and Scipio. Jason and the Argonauts. Jamie and the Magic Torch. The irresistible object and the immoveable force. Two perfectly matched athletes at the peak of their powers, two superhuman sportsmen in the zone. What drama. What spectacle. What darts.

*excluding The Circus Tavern, Purfleet.
**excluding the Professional Darts Corporation which has all the best players.
***excluding Phil ‘The Power’ Taylor and Raymond ‘Barney’ Barneveld of the PDC.
****excluding the PDC final at The Circus Tavern between Phil ‘The Power ‘Taylor and Raymond ‘Barney’ Barneveld.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Cricket: Brett Lee sings, Australian cricket dies a little inside.

All of of the fine work done by the Australian cricket team in crushing the gumptionless England and regaining the Ashes has been undone. Brett Lee, previously known as a fast buffet chucker has shamed himself, his family, his friends and his country.

Think Chesney Hawks in a curry house.


Cricket: England get within 77 runs of giving the Aussies a walloping. Take that you Aussie drongo!

The England cricket team is celebrating its finest result of the winter, raising hopes of an improved performance in the upcoming VD one day series. Having arrived in Australia confident of defending the Ashes that they famously won in 2005, England have been seriously twatted by their hosts in the test series, losing every game by a massive margin.

Hopes were raised that England might turn things around in the Twenty:20 game as the Aussies, seemingly taking the piss, picked some unknowns from the crowd to spearhead their bowling attack while resting all of the first choice bowlers. Gone were Bollywood singer/songwriter Brett Lee, trundling legend Glenn McGrath and his clone Stuart Clark and up stepped Sydney dock worker Ben Hilfenthing, Tasmanian pest controller Cameron White and unemployed bum scratcher Nathan Bracken.

The Aussies, who are still mourning the death of crocodile hunter and pervert Shane Warne, almost saw this bold selection blow up in their repugnant faces as England got within a mere 77 runs of victory, by far the closest that they have come to winning on tour.

“It was a magnificent effort from the boys,” smiled ginger fielder Paul Collingwood MBE. “We could taste victory and really felt that we were competitive again out there. This is a warning to those Australian bastards that we are coming back into form at just the right time with the all important VD series coming up”.

Racist coach Duncan Fletcher MBE was ecstatic at the improvement from his team and even raised an eyebrow in classic Roger Moore style, such was his wobbly jowled delight. “I was happy to see the team play so well and get so close to winning. I thought that the selection was spot on and preparation was perfect and that was reflected out there on the field. This is by far the closest that we have come to winning to date and we will get even closer before this series is over”.

Aussie skipper and irritating turd Ricky Ponting AA was pleased to see his side beat England yet again and showed typical Australian grace and humility in victory; “Jeez those blokes are shit but. Even fucking Cameron White took a wicket. Cameron Fucking White!”

Australia, a country completely lacking in any subtlety or refinement, has been disappointed at the spineless showings of the feeble England team. This is the first game that has not finished early and the Aussie selectors may have to consider further changes in policy to ensure a competitive VD series. “Mate, by picking some club players to bowl we have gone some way to bridging the gap between the two sides and ensuring a more competitive series but,” said chairman of selectors John Howard. “We are considering picking some schoolboys or maybe even a couple of sheilas to open the batting. That way, we’ll still win but at least England will go the distance.”

With crippled skipper Michael Vaughan MBE once again taking the reigns and Steve Harmison MBE putting in his best performance yet from his nan’s house, England are hoping that this narrow loss will signal a turn in fortune after one of the worst tours in living memory. Said Vaughany MBE, “I was delighted with the lads. Encouragingly, Jimmy Anderson bettered his test form and actually went for less runs and Jon Lewis really added a spark to the fielding. With young Paul Nixon giving a master class in the sweep and reverse sweep, I can confidently say that we can get even closer to winning over the upcoming weeks. And, God willing, Ashley will be back to oil the stumps soon. God I miss him”.

Rugby: Out with the old and in with the really old for England.

New England rugby coach Brian Ashton has looked back to the future to breathe new life into the beleaguered national team by selecting proven players from yesteryear. Out go forward looking selection plans and in come 43 year old South African Mike Catt, 38 year old God-botherer Jason Robinson, 39 year old fat thug Steve Thompson and washed up 42 year old rugby league star Andy Farrell. Even more of a surprise has been the selection of 78 year old simpleton and former Question of Sport team captain Billy Beaumont. Many have questioned this selection but Ashton is adamant that Billy can still perform as well as any second row in England; “Bill’s experience of performing at the highest level while captain, under the fierce pressure of a studio audience and tough questioning from David Colemanballs, makes him an ideal choice to anchor the side”.

Perhaps the most exciting news of all for fans of the dismal England team is the recall of broken dullard Johnny Wilkinson. Little Johnny, kicking machine, world cup hero and the most boring person on the planet apart from Michael Owen and possibly Alan Shearer, last turned out for Wycombe under 13s and played 14 minutes before suffering a season ending burst scrotum injury. Although Johnny is likely to spend most of the year on crutches he is still thought to be a better option at the pivotal fly half position than anything else England has. Says Johnny, “I’ve worked out a way of holding both of my crutches in the same hand and freeing up my left leg to kick the ball. While I haven’t been able to tackle since 2003 because both of my shoulders have turned to dust I am still as sure a tackler as Charlie Hodgson (feeble accountant and Wilkinson understudy before suffering a season ending injury to his hair). I am confident that I can do a job for England.”

England, with more registered rugby players than the rest of world rugby has people, hasn’t won a game since unexpectedly grinding out victory in the 2003 world cup. They can’t even beat shitty Scotland, a country that hasn’t produced a world class athlete since Jocky Wilson. The RFU, the governing body of the English game that former captain and Princess Di porker Will Carling dubbed, “57 complete cunts”, are banking on gruff northern misery Ashton repairing the damage done by former coach and long time imbecile Andy ‘Pandy’ Robinson. Ashton has previous experience as a national coach with Ireland, where he was a complete and utter failure.

Sir Clive Sinclair, coach of the world cup winning team and a big head who can’t resist poking his nose in where it is not wanted was cautious over the Ashton appointment. Said Sir Clive, “I would have chosen a winner and a knight of the realm. After unprecedented success in rugby, then football with Southampton FC and now as CEO and Executive King of Elite Performance Management for Olympic Stuff, I would have chosen myself. Remember, I wrote the book on winning. Literally. I called it Winning. It’s about winning. And me.”

A leaked RFU document details ambitious plans for the England team over the next 5 years. Called “Stopping the Shame” the document lists two key targets; 1. To stop other countries laughing at how shit England are. 2. To beat the Wops by 2009 and be competitive with the Jocks by 2011.

Ashton would make no comment on the secret plans but did express his excitement at the upcoming squad sessions; “I can’t wait to see what position we should play Andy Farrell and the prospect of seeing Billy Beaumont rocketing down the field, ball in hand, with his twinkle toed sidestep and lightening acceleration still there from the 50’s, eeeeeee, it’s going to be right great.”