Darts: The Dream at Frimley Green.
Combine the greatest game in the world (darts) with the greatest arena in the world* (Lakeside, Frimley Green) and the greatest competition in the world** (the British Darts Organisation World Championship) and add in the two greatest athletes in the world*** (Martin ‘Wolfie’ Adams verus Phil ‘Nixie’ Nixon) and the result is the greatest sporting contest ever. In the history of the world. Ever****.
Wolfie Adams, looking like a pale Cassius Clay in his prime, raced out to a 6-0 lead and appeared set to confirm his number one seeding with a comprehensive victory. "I was kicking his arse," said Wolfie. But he didn’t count on the incredible strength of mind and body shown by rank outsider Nixie Nixon. Throwing caution to the wind and, at last, darts to the board, 58 year old Nixie, with the menacing prowl of a rampant Mike Tyson and the clear thinking of a young Aristotle, rocketed back into the match.
Suddenly winning like it was going out of fashion, Nixie found himself back on level terms at 6-6. "Having got my arse kicked for 6 games I started kicking his arse," said Nixie. Wolfie, 56 years young and sporting a magnificent collection of sovereign rings, looked stricken. His arm, hitherto as strong as tempered steel, began to wobble like a footballer’s bottom lip. Under the most intense pressure ever faced by any one individual since a young Jesus H. Christ found himself in the possession of a coat of many colours, Wolfie looked down and out. But, just as Christ rose to the occasion and wore the technicolour dreamcoat against all style logic, Wolfie reared up like a lithe salmon swimming upstream, dodging outstretched bear paws.
Mrs Wolfie, the delightful, leopard skin clad Sharon, could watch no longer and ran to the ladies cloakroom in distress; "I couldn’t take it no more," she said. "That fat noddy husband of mine was throwing it away and I couldn’t watch so I went and hid in the shitter." But Wolfie, his astounding conditioning coming to the fore, drove onward. Unbending. Unbowed. This was athleticism. This was valour.
Coming only a few days after the untimely withdrawal of former champion and national superstar Andy ‘The Viking’ Fordham, who unexpectedly collapsed after a routine training session of 43 pints and 10 burgers, this final was just the tonic the nation needed. Fordham, after emergency hair of the dog and sweat absorption treatment, is expected to recover in due course. Indeed, sources close to the 83 stone superstar suggest that he is already building up to 20 pints a morning. However, national concern for The Viking turned to unbelievable tension across the country with hundreds tuning in as news spread of Nixie’s great comeback from Valhalla itself.
The atmosphere at Lakeside was electric as a host of celebrities and beautiful people chewed their nails, watched from behind their hands and knocked back 15 pints per person on average. Salt and vinegar crisps were sold out within minutes of the first dart being lobbed and you could literally have cut the atmosphere with a knife after most had digested their food. It was like a Beatles concert with a special guest appearance from Elvis thrown in. Screaming women moistened at the sight of these darting gods and drunken men began to question their sexuality in the face of such unvarnished testosterone.
Against all odds and logic, showing more courage than any winner of the Victoria Cross, Wolfie took the decider and the championship. 7-6. He had done it. A dream fulfilled. For Nixie the pain of defeat but surely there will come a time when he will look back and feel nothing but pride at being part of history.
The Rumble in The Jungle, The Thriller in Manilla and now the Dream at Frimley Green. Wolfie a Titan, Nixie a Colossus. Zeus and Apollo. Hannibal and Scipio. Jason and the Argonauts. Jamie and the Magic Torch. The irresistible object and the immoveable force. Two perfectly matched athletes at the peak of their powers, two superhuman sportsmen in the zone. What drama. What spectacle. What darts.
*excluding The Circus Tavern, Purfleet.
**excluding the Professional Darts Corporation which has all the best players.
***excluding Phil ‘The Power’ Taylor and Raymond ‘Barney’ Barneveld of the PDC.
****excluding the PDC final at The Circus Tavern between Phil ‘The Power ‘Taylor and Raymond ‘Barney’ Barneveld.
Wolfie Adams, looking like a pale Cassius Clay in his prime, raced out to a 6-0 lead and appeared set to confirm his number one seeding with a comprehensive victory. "I was kicking his arse," said Wolfie. But he didn’t count on the incredible strength of mind and body shown by rank outsider Nixie Nixon. Throwing caution to the wind and, at last, darts to the board, 58 year old Nixie, with the menacing prowl of a rampant Mike Tyson and the clear thinking of a young Aristotle, rocketed back into the match.
Suddenly winning like it was going out of fashion, Nixie found himself back on level terms at 6-6. "Having got my arse kicked for 6 games I started kicking his arse," said Nixie. Wolfie, 56 years young and sporting a magnificent collection of sovereign rings, looked stricken. His arm, hitherto as strong as tempered steel, began to wobble like a footballer’s bottom lip. Under the most intense pressure ever faced by any one individual since a young Jesus H. Christ found himself in the possession of a coat of many colours, Wolfie looked down and out. But, just as Christ rose to the occasion and wore the technicolour dreamcoat against all style logic, Wolfie reared up like a lithe salmon swimming upstream, dodging outstretched bear paws.
Mrs Wolfie, the delightful, leopard skin clad Sharon, could watch no longer and ran to the ladies cloakroom in distress; "I couldn’t take it no more," she said. "That fat noddy husband of mine was throwing it away and I couldn’t watch so I went and hid in the shitter." But Wolfie, his astounding conditioning coming to the fore, drove onward. Unbending. Unbowed. This was athleticism. This was valour.
Coming only a few days after the untimely withdrawal of former champion and national superstar Andy ‘The Viking’ Fordham, who unexpectedly collapsed after a routine training session of 43 pints and 10 burgers, this final was just the tonic the nation needed. Fordham, after emergency hair of the dog and sweat absorption treatment, is expected to recover in due course. Indeed, sources close to the 83 stone superstar suggest that he is already building up to 20 pints a morning. However, national concern for The Viking turned to unbelievable tension across the country with hundreds tuning in as news spread of Nixie’s great comeback from Valhalla itself.
The atmosphere at Lakeside was electric as a host of celebrities and beautiful people chewed their nails, watched from behind their hands and knocked back 15 pints per person on average. Salt and vinegar crisps were sold out within minutes of the first dart being lobbed and you could literally have cut the atmosphere with a knife after most had digested their food. It was like a Beatles concert with a special guest appearance from Elvis thrown in. Screaming women moistened at the sight of these darting gods and drunken men began to question their sexuality in the face of such unvarnished testosterone.
Against all odds and logic, showing more courage than any winner of the Victoria Cross, Wolfie took the decider and the championship. 7-6. He had done it. A dream fulfilled. For Nixie the pain of defeat but surely there will come a time when he will look back and feel nothing but pride at being part of history.
The Rumble in The Jungle, The Thriller in Manilla and now the Dream at Frimley Green. Wolfie a Titan, Nixie a Colossus. Zeus and Apollo. Hannibal and Scipio. Jason and the Argonauts. Jamie and the Magic Torch. The irresistible object and the immoveable force. Two perfectly matched athletes at the peak of their powers, two superhuman sportsmen in the zone. What drama. What spectacle. What darts.
*excluding The Circus Tavern, Purfleet.
**excluding the Professional Darts Corporation which has all the best players.
***excluding Phil ‘The Power’ Taylor and Raymond ‘Barney’ Barneveld of the PDC.
****excluding the PDC final at The Circus Tavern between Phil ‘The Power ‘Taylor and Raymond ‘Barney’ Barneveld.
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