Rugby: Out with the old and in with the really old for England.
New England rugby coach Brian Ashton has looked back to the future to breathe new life into the beleaguered national team by selecting proven players from yesteryear. Out go forward looking selection plans and in come 43 year old South African Mike Catt, 38 year old God-botherer Jason Robinson, 39 year old fat thug Steve Thompson and washed up 42 year old rugby league star Andy Farrell. Even more of a surprise has been the selection of 78 year old simpleton and former Question of Sport team captain Billy Beaumont. Many have questioned this selection but Ashton is adamant that Billy can still perform as well as any second row in England; “Bill’s experience of performing at the highest level while captain, under the fierce pressure of a studio audience and tough questioning from David Colemanballs, makes him an ideal choice to anchor the side”.
Perhaps the most exciting news of all for fans of the dismal England team is the recall of broken dullard Johnny Wilkinson. Little Johnny, kicking machine, world cup hero and the most boring person on the planet apart from Michael Owen and possibly Alan Shearer, last turned out for Wycombe under 13s and played 14 minutes before suffering a season ending burst scrotum injury. Although Johnny is likely to spend most of the year on crutches he is still thought to be a better option at the pivotal fly half position than anything else England has. Says Johnny, “I’ve worked out a way of holding both of my crutches in the same hand and freeing up my left leg to kick the ball. While I haven’t been able to tackle since 2003 because both of my shoulders have turned to dust I am still as sure a tackler as Charlie Hodgson (feeble accountant and Wilkinson understudy before suffering a season ending injury to his hair). I am confident that I can do a job for England.”
England, with more registered rugby players than the rest of world rugby has people, hasn’t won a game since unexpectedly grinding out victory in the 2003 world cup. They can’t even beat shitty Scotland, a country that hasn’t produced a world class athlete since Jocky Wilson. The RFU, the governing body of the English game that former captain and Princess Di porker Will Carling dubbed, “57 complete cunts”, are banking on gruff northern misery Ashton repairing the damage done by former coach and long time imbecile Andy ‘Pandy’ Robinson. Ashton has previous experience as a national coach with Ireland, where he was a complete and utter failure.
Sir Clive Sinclair, coach of the world cup winning team and a big head who can’t resist poking his nose in where it is not wanted was cautious over the Ashton appointment. Said Sir Clive, “I would have chosen a winner and a knight of the realm. After unprecedented success in rugby, then football with Southampton FC and now as CEO and Executive King of Elite Performance Management for Olympic Stuff, I would have chosen myself. Remember, I wrote the book on winning. Literally. I called it Winning. It’s about winning. And me.”
A leaked RFU document details ambitious plans for the England team over the next 5 years. Called “Stopping the Shame” the document lists two key targets; 1. To stop other countries laughing at how shit England are. 2. To beat the Wops by 2009 and be competitive with the Jocks by 2011.
Ashton would make no comment on the secret plans but did express his excitement at the upcoming squad sessions; “I can’t wait to see what position we should play Andy Farrell and the prospect of seeing Billy Beaumont rocketing down the field, ball in hand, with his twinkle toed sidestep and lightening acceleration still there from the 50’s, eeeeeee, it’s going to be right great.”
Perhaps the most exciting news of all for fans of the dismal England team is the recall of broken dullard Johnny Wilkinson. Little Johnny, kicking machine, world cup hero and the most boring person on the planet apart from Michael Owen and possibly Alan Shearer, last turned out for Wycombe under 13s and played 14 minutes before suffering a season ending burst scrotum injury. Although Johnny is likely to spend most of the year on crutches he is still thought to be a better option at the pivotal fly half position than anything else England has. Says Johnny, “I’ve worked out a way of holding both of my crutches in the same hand and freeing up my left leg to kick the ball. While I haven’t been able to tackle since 2003 because both of my shoulders have turned to dust I am still as sure a tackler as Charlie Hodgson (feeble accountant and Wilkinson understudy before suffering a season ending injury to his hair). I am confident that I can do a job for England.”
England, with more registered rugby players than the rest of world rugby has people, hasn’t won a game since unexpectedly grinding out victory in the 2003 world cup. They can’t even beat shitty Scotland, a country that hasn’t produced a world class athlete since Jocky Wilson. The RFU, the governing body of the English game that former captain and Princess Di porker Will Carling dubbed, “57 complete cunts”, are banking on gruff northern misery Ashton repairing the damage done by former coach and long time imbecile Andy ‘Pandy’ Robinson. Ashton has previous experience as a national coach with Ireland, where he was a complete and utter failure.
Sir Clive Sinclair, coach of the world cup winning team and a big head who can’t resist poking his nose in where it is not wanted was cautious over the Ashton appointment. Said Sir Clive, “I would have chosen a winner and a knight of the realm. After unprecedented success in rugby, then football with Southampton FC and now as CEO and Executive King of Elite Performance Management for Olympic Stuff, I would have chosen myself. Remember, I wrote the book on winning. Literally. I called it Winning. It’s about winning. And me.”
A leaked RFU document details ambitious plans for the England team over the next 5 years. Called “Stopping the Shame” the document lists two key targets; 1. To stop other countries laughing at how shit England are. 2. To beat the Wops by 2009 and be competitive with the Jocks by 2011.
Ashton would make no comment on the secret plans but did express his excitement at the upcoming squad sessions; “I can’t wait to see what position we should play Andy Farrell and the prospect of seeing Billy Beaumont rocketing down the field, ball in hand, with his twinkle toed sidestep and lightening acceleration still there from the 50’s, eeeeeee, it’s going to be right great.”
posted by sportbitch at 12:21 pm
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