Golf: Ian Woosnam - more stupid than he looks?
Tubby Welsh dwarf Ian Woosnam has made a rocky start to his Ryder Cup captaincy and will need all of his legendary communication skills to navigate the upcoming event. In stark contrast to his US counterpart, Tom Lehman, little Woosie has masterfully chosen not to bother talking to any of his players before making his wildcard selections. The selection of Englishman Lee Westwood over the higher ranked Dane Thomas Bjorn has angered many, particularly Thomas Bjorn of Denmark.
Speaking from underneath his hedgerow eyebrow the fast balding Dane fumed; “Woosie hasn’t even bothered to talk to me. Everyone knows that he is a right thicky who doesn’t know his arse from his elbow and this just proves it. How can he pick Westwood over me? I almost won The Open a few years ago and would have done so if it hadn’t been for the intolerable pressure. As a young man growing up in Denmark it was always my dream to represent my continent, whether it be football, athletics or tennis. To miss out because of that taffy twat is gutting”.
Woosnam, 3 feet tall and 4 feet wide, is keen to put the controversy behind him and would only say; “how I am supposed to speak to Bjorn when he is from abroad? Obviously he speaks foreign so wouldn’t understand a word of English”.
Westwood, who has a touch of Downs about him, was understandably delighted by the selection; “I can’t believe Woosnam picked me. I mean, I’ve played like crap for two years now so getting selected is a miracle”.
Team USA, who have been dire for years now, have had a much smoother build up to the event. The team, made up of Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson and er, Chris, no wait, Jim….uh….er….10 other players, has benefited from the steady helmsmanship of skipper Tom Lehman.
Lehman, who looks a little like Dr Seuss’s Cat in the Hat, has been in regular contact with all of his players and dealt with the media beautifully. He has even sought the advice of fellow God botherer and former European captain Bernhard Langer. Langer, a humourless kraut, has given Lehman some broad advice on the complex role of the captain. Commented Lehman; “Bernard made me realise just what was involved in being captain. You have to give some speeches, do some interviews and pair the players up. The big thing though is driving around in a golf cart and speaking into a radio while saying things like ‘good shot’ and ‘well played’. I never realised that it was such a huge job”.
The big question for the Europeans though is whether or not Woosnam is up to the job. Former European player and long time commentator and jowl wobbler Peter Alliss summed up the doubts surrounding the sub-normal Woosnam; “I worry about poor little Ian. I don’t think he’ll measure up when it comes down to it as I doubt that he can even see over the steering wheel of those golf carts and there is no way he can drive and talk at the same time”.
Speaking from underneath his hedgerow eyebrow the fast balding Dane fumed; “Woosie hasn’t even bothered to talk to me. Everyone knows that he is a right thicky who doesn’t know his arse from his elbow and this just proves it. How can he pick Westwood over me? I almost won The Open a few years ago and would have done so if it hadn’t been for the intolerable pressure. As a young man growing up in Denmark it was always my dream to represent my continent, whether it be football, athletics or tennis. To miss out because of that taffy twat is gutting”.
Woosnam, 3 feet tall and 4 feet wide, is keen to put the controversy behind him and would only say; “how I am supposed to speak to Bjorn when he is from abroad? Obviously he speaks foreign so wouldn’t understand a word of English”.
Westwood, who has a touch of Downs about him, was understandably delighted by the selection; “I can’t believe Woosnam picked me. I mean, I’ve played like crap for two years now so getting selected is a miracle”.
Team USA, who have been dire for years now, have had a much smoother build up to the event. The team, made up of Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson and er, Chris, no wait, Jim….uh….er….10 other players, has benefited from the steady helmsmanship of skipper Tom Lehman.
Lehman, who looks a little like Dr Seuss’s Cat in the Hat, has been in regular contact with all of his players and dealt with the media beautifully. He has even sought the advice of fellow God botherer and former European captain Bernhard Langer. Langer, a humourless kraut, has given Lehman some broad advice on the complex role of the captain. Commented Lehman; “Bernard made me realise just what was involved in being captain. You have to give some speeches, do some interviews and pair the players up. The big thing though is driving around in a golf cart and speaking into a radio while saying things like ‘good shot’ and ‘well played’. I never realised that it was such a huge job”.
The big question for the Europeans though is whether or not Woosnam is up to the job. Former European player and long time commentator and jowl wobbler Peter Alliss summed up the doubts surrounding the sub-normal Woosnam; “I worry about poor little Ian. I don’t think he’ll measure up when it comes down to it as I doubt that he can even see over the steering wheel of those golf carts and there is no way he can drive and talk at the same time”.
posted by sportbitch at 10:21 am
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