NFL: God supports the Colts, hates the Patriots.
After one of the greatest comebacks in sports history (USA only) the Indianapolis Colts beat arch rival and perennial winner New England Patriots 38-34 in the AFC Championship game to clinch a berth in the really Super Bowl. At one point they were 18 points behind and looked to be getting a serious humping. They took the lead for the first time with less than a minute on the clock, having spent the previous six hours of the game losing and/or standing around waiting for TV ad breaks to finish.
And the key to their success? Good old God. Said Head Coach Tony Dungy, “We just have to thank the Lord. He did it in such a way that no one would believe it”. The Big Guy, it seems, is a Colts fan. Or at least he hates the Patriots. Viewing figures for the NFL continue to rise so it’s no wonder that God watches games but many are surprised to find that He supports the team from Indianapolis. Jerry Jones, owner of ‘America’s Team’, the Dallas Cowboys, was shocked, “I had always figured that He would be a fan of America’s Team. I mean, we are in Texas, His country, and we do have the hottest cheerleaders in the world (USA) and you’ve gotta know that God likes a piece of ass. Although His not being a fan would explain Romo’s fumble costing us the game against Seattle – it was His fault, the bastard!”
One reason given by some analysts for God being a Colt fan is that owner Jim Irsay really kisses His Ass, “There’s a lot of glory up here with this trophy (AFC Championship). As the humble leader of this organization, we’re giving all the glory to God”. And according to Dungy God really is a bit of a glory hunter, “The Lord tested us a lot this year, but He set this up to get all the glory.”
Bill Belichick, Head Coach of the Patriots, was understandably irritated by the biblical turn of events. “God wasn’t on their team sheet so it annoys the hell out of me that he should suit up and play. I mean, we were dicking all over them until he decides to play.”
A number of religious organisations feel that God doesn’t even care about football, let alone have a favourite team. Pastor Edward Gannet of Eastbuttfucky, Ohio, stated that “to suggest that God watches football games is plainly ridiculous. You only have to listen to any speech from the President to know that God is working overtime helping Bush so He is hardly going to have time to worry about sport”.
Many ordinary, fat-assed Americans have also disagreed that God is a Colts fan. A typical reaction was that of 29 year old Corey Bill Hilly who, while digesting a kilo of chocolate mumbled, “Gawd don’t give no fuck bout football. That just stoopid talkin. He too busy kickin Iraqi ass in Afghanistania”.
Even so, other NFL teams will have taken note of the Colts success and will be hoping to persuade God to switch allegiance in the off season. The only exception to that rule is well known Devil worshipper and owner of the Washington Redskins, Dan Snyder. “I’m sticking with Satan,” said the reptilian Snyder. He’s made me millions and now he’s going to win me a Super Bowl. And if he doesn’t fucking well deliver soon I’m demanding my soul back”.
God was unavailable for comment.
And the key to their success? Good old God. Said Head Coach Tony Dungy, “We just have to thank the Lord. He did it in such a way that no one would believe it”. The Big Guy, it seems, is a Colts fan. Or at least he hates the Patriots. Viewing figures for the NFL continue to rise so it’s no wonder that God watches games but many are surprised to find that He supports the team from Indianapolis. Jerry Jones, owner of ‘America’s Team’, the Dallas Cowboys, was shocked, “I had always figured that He would be a fan of America’s Team. I mean, we are in Texas, His country, and we do have the hottest cheerleaders in the world (USA) and you’ve gotta know that God likes a piece of ass. Although His not being a fan would explain Romo’s fumble costing us the game against Seattle – it was His fault, the bastard!”
One reason given by some analysts for God being a Colt fan is that owner Jim Irsay really kisses His Ass, “There’s a lot of glory up here with this trophy (AFC Championship). As the humble leader of this organization, we’re giving all the glory to God”. And according to Dungy God really is a bit of a glory hunter, “The Lord tested us a lot this year, but He set this up to get all the glory.”
Bill Belichick, Head Coach of the Patriots, was understandably irritated by the biblical turn of events. “God wasn’t on their team sheet so it annoys the hell out of me that he should suit up and play. I mean, we were dicking all over them until he decides to play.”
A number of religious organisations feel that God doesn’t even care about football, let alone have a favourite team. Pastor Edward Gannet of Eastbuttfucky, Ohio, stated that “to suggest that God watches football games is plainly ridiculous. You only have to listen to any speech from the President to know that God is working overtime helping Bush so He is hardly going to have time to worry about sport”.
Many ordinary, fat-assed Americans have also disagreed that God is a Colts fan. A typical reaction was that of 29 year old Corey Bill Hilly who, while digesting a kilo of chocolate mumbled, “Gawd don’t give no fuck bout football. That just stoopid talkin. He too busy kickin Iraqi ass in Afghanistania”.
Even so, other NFL teams will have taken note of the Colts success and will be hoping to persuade God to switch allegiance in the off season. The only exception to that rule is well known Devil worshipper and owner of the Washington Redskins, Dan Snyder. “I’m sticking with Satan,” said the reptilian Snyder. He’s made me millions and now he’s going to win me a Super Bowl. And if he doesn’t fucking well deliver soon I’m demanding my soul back”.
God was unavailable for comment.
posted by sportbitch at 2:14 pm
1 Comments:
Great to hear Eastbuttfuckey back in the news. But what will the folks in Westbuttfuckey think?
Cheers
Barnes
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