Rugby Union: Jonny beats miserable Scotland and discovers cure for cancer at half time.
A nation held its breath. A people prayed. A coach hoped. And little Jonny delivered. Having spent the last 10 years in a coma, Jonny Wilkinson climbed out of his deathbed and onto the rugby field to win the game for England, lifting them out of a 34 game slump. Judging by the reaction of the English press you would have been forgiven for thinking that he had discovered a cure for cancer at half time. Well, it turns out that he did that as well.
Of course, alongside his achievements on the field this discovery pales into insignificance, but it still caps a remarkable return to action for little Jonny. The barbour-clad, posh twat England fans were still toasting Wilkinson over their sherry long into the night after witnessing his magnificent performance in thrashing a truly dreadful Scotland team all on his own. Most England fans barely noticed anyone else on the field. Brayed Twickenham debenture holder Roger De Rothschild Smythe from his Cotswold country house,”‘Jonny was bloody marvellous I tell you! Those jocks didn’t stand a bloody chance. He was scrumming them off the field of play and was simply bloody super. Marvellous day. Marvellous bloody day.”
Jonny discovered the cure for cancer during coach Brian Ashton’s half time talk while sucking on a much needed orange quarter (Jonny prefers easy peeler clementines). “I’d been thinking about how to cure cancer for some time and it just came to me at half time. I quickly wrote it down before getting back onto the field,” said Jonny. Some have suggested that this discovery could lead to a Nobel prize but the famously modest and incredibly boring Wilkinson would only say, “if selected for the Nobel prize it would be nice but I’m just going to focus on one accolade at a time.”
The English press had been full of Jonny before the game and he was front page news after winning against the Jocks. The Sunday Times gave Wilkinson’s victory it’s first 15 pages and chief rugby correspondent and serious hyperbole spouting dullard Stephen Jones wrote, “Wilkinson was simply beyond brilliant magnificence. It was the greatest single performance by anyone, anywhere in anything. Never has there been a human being like him. If I could lick the sweat from his crevice, I would.”
His cure for cancer got a small mention on page 14 but some in the science community have suggested that it might be even more important than England winning. Indeed, government ministers are said to be considering asking Wilkinson to run the country when Prime Minister Tony Blair finally gives up the ghost and goes to rot in prison. It is rumoured that the government might offer Wilkinson a knighthood in return. England football coach and unexpected adulterer Steve McClaren is also said to be interested in playing Jonny in the centre of midfield while racist cricket supremo Duncan Feltcher is hoping to persuade Jonny to captain the cricket team in the upcoming world cup.
The reaction in third world Scotland was typically magnanimous from a country well known for small minded bigotry and best summed up by the front page headline in the Glasgow Jock Strap above a picture of the celebrating England team – “English Cunts.”
Of course, alongside his achievements on the field this discovery pales into insignificance, but it still caps a remarkable return to action for little Jonny. The barbour-clad, posh twat England fans were still toasting Wilkinson over their sherry long into the night after witnessing his magnificent performance in thrashing a truly dreadful Scotland team all on his own. Most England fans barely noticed anyone else on the field. Brayed Twickenham debenture holder Roger De Rothschild Smythe from his Cotswold country house,”‘Jonny was bloody marvellous I tell you! Those jocks didn’t stand a bloody chance. He was scrumming them off the field of play and was simply bloody super. Marvellous day. Marvellous bloody day.”
Jonny discovered the cure for cancer during coach Brian Ashton’s half time talk while sucking on a much needed orange quarter (Jonny prefers easy peeler clementines). “I’d been thinking about how to cure cancer for some time and it just came to me at half time. I quickly wrote it down before getting back onto the field,” said Jonny. Some have suggested that this discovery could lead to a Nobel prize but the famously modest and incredibly boring Wilkinson would only say, “if selected for the Nobel prize it would be nice but I’m just going to focus on one accolade at a time.”
The English press had been full of Jonny before the game and he was front page news after winning against the Jocks. The Sunday Times gave Wilkinson’s victory it’s first 15 pages and chief rugby correspondent and serious hyperbole spouting dullard Stephen Jones wrote, “Wilkinson was simply beyond brilliant magnificence. It was the greatest single performance by anyone, anywhere in anything. Never has there been a human being like him. If I could lick the sweat from his crevice, I would.”
His cure for cancer got a small mention on page 14 but some in the science community have suggested that it might be even more important than England winning. Indeed, government ministers are said to be considering asking Wilkinson to run the country when Prime Minister Tony Blair finally gives up the ghost and goes to rot in prison. It is rumoured that the government might offer Wilkinson a knighthood in return. England football coach and unexpected adulterer Steve McClaren is also said to be interested in playing Jonny in the centre of midfield while racist cricket supremo Duncan Feltcher is hoping to persuade Jonny to captain the cricket team in the upcoming world cup.
The reaction in third world Scotland was typically magnanimous from a country well known for small minded bigotry and best summed up by the front page headline in the Glasgow Jock Strap above a picture of the celebrating England team – “English Cunts.”
posted by sportbitch at 1:43 pm
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