BBC Sports Personality of the Year: Zara Phillips trots in mum's hoofsteps.

Team Royal Family capped a remarkable year with Queen Liz 2’s granddaughter Zara Phillips being voted BBC Sports Personality of the Year. In the face of terribly stiff competition from the likes of comedian David Walliams (swimming) and golfer Darren Clarke (dead wife), Zara galloped away with the prize for winning some gymkhana or other.

Phillips won the increasingly pointless prize 35 years after her mother, the horse-faced Princess Anne, was awarded the gong. This is the first time that two members of the same family have won the Beeb prize, proving that the British royal family is the most athletic and talented family in Britain and therefore the world.

What makes Phillips’s success even more impressive is that her sport is possibly the most competitive sport of all as anyone can pick up a horse and just play. “Three day eventing is quite simply the world’s biggest sport,” neighed Princess Anne from her nosebag, “and for Zara to win this, coming from her background, against all the odds, it is just a superb achievement”.

Earlier in the year the entire nation huddled around their TV sets to watch the perky royal gallop and jump her way to victory in the three day gymkhana, beating off the favourite Baron von Fosse den Hellanbergerfritz of the Austro-Hungarian royal family. For many, this is memory that will never fade and made us proud to be British.

The victory is expected to spark a wave of interest in horse riding stuff with youngsters across the country practising their dressage and fast trotting. Senior figures in a number of national sports including football and cricket are privately worried that young people, in an attempt to emulate their new hero Phillips, will turn their attention to horse riding instead of kicking a ball or swinging a bat. Said Sir Cuthbert Fartt-Belcher, Chairman of the FA; “we fear that young boys will be asking for My Little Pony for Christmas instead of a football and this could have major long term ramifications for the success of England football team”.

For Phillips however, being voted Sports Personality of the Year could be a signal that an MBE or perhaps an even higher honour from her granny could be just around the corner. In the meantime she insists that the award won’t change her; “this is an amazing achievement by me but it won’t change me. I’ll still be the same old Princess Zara and I won't let it go to my head. You’ll still find me down at Debenhams on a Saturday afternoon and I’ll still supervise the mucking out in the stables”.

Mum Anne would certainly approve of this down to earth attitude. Reflecting on her experience of winning the award, Anne snorted, “one just has to keep it real, now get out of my way you fucking peasants”.

Cricket: The real England team is back.

For two years this England team defied a national history of humiliation and tradition of misery that stretches back over a hundred years. The rot set in with the Ashes success of 2005 when England played unexpectedly well and had fans confused and uncertain how to behave in the face of success. More used to a diet of pitiful bowling and desperate batting England fans had perfected the art of looking on the bright side of life and laughing in the face of adversity; the success was a shock and left most fans feeling a little let down.

With today’s effort though, England are back and the fans can relax once more into ironic cheering and resigned shoulder shrugging. Yorkshire tightwad and former England opening bore Geoff Boycott summed up the England effort in his usual succinct style' "Fookin shite".

The England batsmen, defying their recent run of form, contrived to get themselves out in a variety of ways that will have traditionalists purring with delight. Jack Dobson of Melton Mowbray commented “watching that young gingernut Bell run himself out reminded me of how it used to be in the 90’s and Jones’s ugly swipe showed the sort of determination and commitment to irresponsible batting that was the very hallmark of the England team of the last 20 years. It really brought back memories and a tear to the eye. We’re back.”

Wicketkeeper Jones, who struggles to catch beach balls in practice, was one of a number of controversial selections made by miserable, hang dog coach, Duncan ‘Fletch’ Fletcher. Feltcher, a white southern African more used to having coloured fella’s serving him drinks, dropped darkies Saj Mahmood and fan favourite Monty Panesar in favour of unfit bowler James Anderson and the unfit for cricket Ashley Giles. Anderson managed a commendable double of one wicket and one run in the match and Giles, popularly known by fans as ‘the Wheelie Bin’ for his complete lack of any ability, managed to spill the Aussie captain, Ricky Ponting in what was possibly the key moment of the match.

Feltcher however, was unrepentant; “It was a difficult chance and 11 times out of 10 you would have expected Ash to catch that one. Anyway, no fucking way that useless twat Monty could have caught it, so there”.

Giles, who last turned a ball when he got one caught in his boxers while sleeping at a funny spoons angle at Vaughanies place, resorted to bowling two feet outside of leg stump at the tailenders. The Aussie top order played him with ease, even that shirt-lifter Michael Clarke.

The desperate nature of the England defeat would seem to signal a return to the more traditional English sporting virtues of terrible play and feeble mindedness. This follows the trend of the England rugby team which also broke from the norm by winning the Rugby World Cup in 2003 but has since reverted to a steady stream of uninspired losses. In contrast, the football team has never deviated from this path and fans have always appreciated this consistency of performance. The hope is that the cricket team can now maintain this level for the remaining three test matches, thus making everything right in the world of English sport again.